by Risha Sinha and Irene Gonzalez de Las Casas, Opinions writers
Valentine’s Day is upon us. As the air fills with love, affection and romance, one must take a moment to hear the perspective of the most significant players in the world of high-school dating: two painfully single, fairly nerdy freshman girls. From both us and our extensive experience, you will learn exactly what you and your significant other need to do to make this Valentine’s Day (and all high-school relationships) a total success.
First off, ditch the excessive PDA (I’m looking at you, couple-that’s-always-making-out!). PDA is awful. The next time you are overcome with exhibitionist urges, remember these guidelines: 1) No canoodling in the cafeteria! You should be eating your food, not each other’s faces. The rest of us are trying to refuel, but it’s a struggle because looking in your direction makes us want to hurl. 2) Keep the productions in the auditorium PG! We’re trying to eat lunch, talk or get work done. If I wanted to watch thinly veiled pornography starring high schoolers, I’d tune in to the newest season of Euphoria. 3) Don’t get handsy in the hallway. As incredibly rom-com-like kissing against a locker is, you are not pulling it off. You don’t look like Jack and Rose; your version is akin to Addison Rae’s version of She’s All That — vapid, inelegant and tough to watch (and rated a generous 23% on Rotten Tomatoes). Everyone’s just trying to get to class, not see a horrendous display of affection.
While sloppy smooching is the worst, some other things are still pretty bad. Please abstain from tickling or rubbing noses with each other. I mean, why? Just why? That is just about as cute as a TikTok couple channel (so, not at all). Although seemingly innocuous, there are terrible consequences to holding hands: namely, the mental health of single people schoolwide. As soon as I walk out of class, I don’t need to be reminded of how lonely I am. It’s a lot to deal with after failing a math test! We’re not jealous, just conscious of others’ feelings. We are definitely not jealous. No way! Us, jealous? Never. We just don’t need to see your beautiful “love” all around the school; it only brings up the trauma from when our 3rd-grade boyfriends abandoned us after a week.
If you really want to show off your partner, feel free to tell your friends ― but please refrain from gushing about your lovey-dovey plans for the evenings. Although we appreciate getting to live vicariously through you, it is hard not to gag at some of the amorous details. However, subjugating your friends to your fanciful tales is better than posting about them on social media. Do not go and post on Instagram about how your partner is the “apple of your pie” or the “sparkle in your eye.” It hurts us all to see such posts. Rule of thumb: if your caption sounds like a Hallmark card, it’s not good.
I love receiving gifts, but I don’t love seeing happy couples carrying heart-shaped balloons and parading their relationship around the school. It’s a gross reminder of the commercialization and corruption of this idyllic holiday. Please, save your cents. Don’t buy into the cult of meaningless gift-giving! Save your gifts. Don’t give them to your partner, for they will be disappointed in you for putting a monetary value on your unique connection. But what should you do with the gifts you’ve already purchased? Give the roses and chocolates to me. I will appreciate it without questioning your judgment. If not, I am not above stealing stray chocolate off of the ground; if I don’t get chocolate, no one else does.
Other agonizing sights are matching clothes, excessive compliments and sickly-sweet nicknames. Some of the language used by couples is so flowery, it could be misconstrued as Shakespearean prose from Romeo and Juliet. However, these pseudo-poets misunderstand the moral of the play: being in love makes the people around them miserable and eventually is the cause of their death. In order to evade such untimely demise, stay away from poison or daggers and try to find other means to express yourselves.
We’ve talked a lot about what not to do on the most romantic yet depressing day of the year, but what should you do? To avoid PDA, you should keep 6 feet apart at all times; after all, leave room for Jesus and stay away from Omicron. Break up with your s/o, preferably in public, so we can all get a good laugh. In summary, love is fake, unless you ask me out, in which case love is totally real, and we’ll have a whirlwind romance where we break all the rules listed above. When we (mutually!) break up, you should take my red scarf, so that I can write a powerful song, become the next Taylor Swift and rule the world.