photo courtesy of Horoscopes
Aquarius
Congratulations on getting a Pass in your English class. You must have tried hard to make that happen.
Pisces
A Cohort A kid crushing on a Cohort B? Tragedy.
Aries
Just because Elon Musk tweeted about Bitcoin, it doesn’t mean that you should blindly invest your entire savings account into the market. Do your research and then invest your whole savings account into the stock market.
Taurus
You forgot your headphones, and, yes, your teacher is remote today. Fake it til you make it and nod along to the Zoom call while you freeze in the Field House.
Gemini
Two whole pumps of school-provided hand sanitizer made your hands sticky for the rest of class. You keep telling yourself to get your own, but have you yet? No.
Cancer
In the 10 minutes at the beginning of class your teacher takes to settle down in-person kids you chew on that matcha brownie you made from a TikTok recipe.
Leo
No, not everything can or should be an album cover.
Virgo
Freshmen: though orientation didn’t cover the pool on the fourth floor, we’ve got you. Hit the elevator in the 4000s or 1000s to get there.
Libra
Are Crocs with ample jibbitz acceptable school wear?
Scorpio
We’re all for having cookouts in the senior parking lot. Plus, why would they shut that down anyway? Do they hate fun? (Now, if they shut down grilling, they hate fun. Cite this when that inevitably happens)
Sagittarius
Walking the wrong way down one-way hallways just doesn’t make you cool. Sorry.
Capricorn
You, impressively, made it through the first two episodes of Wandavision and have found that the rest of the show is really, really good. Jimmy Woo goated.
