photo courtesy of Horoscopes

On the first day of the quarantine, just hours after Dr. Fleishman called, you and your friends played basketball on the Mason-Rice low hoops and then sang happy birthday numerous times while you took turns washing your hands in the Panera bathroom. The manager was at first skeptical but later proud. Keep that same energy.


Baking, baking and more baking. After a somewhat-successful search for flour and sugar, you began baking with substitutes, which is hit or miss. Your baking career may continue after quarantine but likely not. 


You 100% did the enrichment activities.


Please stop walking your pets 38,199 times a day as an excuse to get out of the house (this is a semi-valid excuse. You, however, could go for walks and leave your pet alone. (Your dog/cat/turtle/fish/snake is tired)) (Yes, that was an intentional double parenthesis). Keep staying 6 feet away when you walk by people on the sidewalk, and, most importantly, continue to wash your hands in absolute earnest.


You’ve discovered that the Youtube channel Bon Appetit’s 40-minute cooking videos, which previously demanded an exorbitant amount of time, have become perfect. These hit especially different late at night, as you yourself are hungry, watch food being cooked, and debate getting out of bed to eat, and then having to brush again. (You may also question your own state of vegetarian/veganism.) Even Noah Schnapp, Stranger Things kid and Bona Fide TikTok icon, has acknowledged the pain of watching food videos at 3 a.m.


Though you may have only painted 1/6 of the rooms in your house, at least 5/8 of them will be painted by the end of quarantine. This is a safe habit, just make sure you wear gloves when you go to the store to buy the paint and crack open your windows after you paint. Also, use Behr, their paints are legit.


Though summer may seem just around the corner, and you may be thinking along the lines of “Summer 2020 about to go crazy” or “Hype to meet back up with the gang once this ends,” don’t. Count your blessings, and hope this doesn’t bleed into your oh-so-precious summer.


6-feet apart car meet-ups aren’t that cool. It’s cool you have cars, friends, and can coordinate both, but sitting in your open trunk is just not an ideal way to hang out — that is unless you are also focused on flexing at the same time.


TikTok 20,976,896 has not gone viral. Newsflash. Just because you are in quarantine and have time to make TikToks does not make you Charli D’Amelio. Nor does it make you Addison Rae or even Dixie D’Amelio. Frankly, Marc D’Amelio has astronomically more success on TikTok than you do. So does Heidi (D’Amelio #4, the mom). So just retire. Or, keep trying. Someone believes in you.


Late-night text sessions are totally OK. Early Morning text sessions are also OK. So are midday and afternoon and even post-supper. There is virtually nothing else to do. Connect with whomever, whenever, and I guess wherever (as long as i’ts either 6 feet away from other people or in your own home, of course). The screen time may skyrocket, but you don’t care, and certainly, we don’t either. Go sicko.


In your daily runs/laundry doings/grass cutting (or wherever you listen to music), you have discovered that Sicko Mode, yes, the Sicko Mode, is actually not a terrible song. Though it got ruined, tossed in with the likes of Mo Bamba in early 2018 (likely due to middle-schoolers), now you can listen to it judgment-free, especially with no one around.


At the beginning of quarantine: “I’m going to read a book a week,” you said, “I’m going to teach myself to code,” you said, “I’m going to volunteer at the food pantry,” you said. Numerous days later, you are 0/3. It happens to the best of us. For now, keep enjoying that ice cream, Xbox and Tiger King.